The Great Misadventures of Peter Hanley
by Peter Hanley
Summary: An Americanized parody of Harry Potter, featuring Peter Hanley, a student at Ravenban School of Wizardry and Witchcraft.
1. Chapter 1

"Peter, time for breakfast," called Aunty in an inviting tone.

Peter rubbed the crusties out of his eyes and slowly sat up in his bed. His eyes scanned the large room, cluttered with all sorts of toys, electronics, and broken champagne bottles (left over from his latest ship christening). As he stepped out of bed he heard something breaking beneath his foot, he looked down and picked up the gadget. "Oh good, it's only an iPhone, I'll just use my other one," he mumbled to himself as he continued towards the kitchen.

"Peter, how did you sleep?" inquired Uncle Vernon.

"Great," replied Peter as he was engulfed in a hug from his huge uncle.

"Good morning Peter," said Aunty, right before scolding my stupid cousin, Dudley, "Hurry up now, get Peter his food. Why do you have to be such a failure? Why can't you be a wizard like Peter? "

Peter stood waiting in front of his chair until Dudley came and pulled out the chair for him, "Hurry up now," urged Peter, "I haven't got all day you know. I've got to make it to Grand Central by 10:30 so I don't miss the train."

"Oh Peter, The train wouldn't leave without the great Peter Hanley, you're the most famous wizard that ever lived. You're _The Boy Who Lived_," said Aunty. Peter nodded in agreement as he gobbled up the last of the bacon.

When he was done stuffing his face Peter rose from his chair and headed back up to his room to pack up the rest of his stuff. He had everything he needed, 100,000 galleons (incase he needed to bribe a teacher), his robes, his wand (still missing a core), all of his needed books, potion making essentials, a couple of cursed pieces of jewelry and clothes (in case somebody got on his nerves he could give them a "gift"), and last but not least a stash of dung bombs.

After he was done double checking his trunk Peter called Dudley upstairs. "Carry this into the car," demanded Peter. Dudley grumbled as he lugged the heavy trunk down the stairs and into the car. "Good job boy," said Peter as he threw Dudley a dog treat. Dudley hit it to the ground and thumped back into the house.

"Hurry up Aunty!" called Peter from the car.

"I can't wait in here forever!" whined Peter from the car. As soon as Peter had opened his mouth Aunty was in the car and pulling out onto Spring Street. It wasn't long before the Mercedes pulled onto the highway towards New York.

About one hour later Peter had made it to Grand Central Station. Peter walked onto Platform 3 and looked around for pillar 3.14159265, after searching for a short 5 minutes Peter found the correct pillar labeled "Ravenban Wizard Entrance". Peter found it rather odd that Muggles didn't notice it. He had read in the famous books_, Harry Potter_, that all he had to do was walk straight through the pillar and he would reach the platform, so he figured he would give it a go.

Peter gathered all of his stuff on his cart and ran directly at the pillar, when he hit his target Peter's cart and his belongings crashed to the floor. The train station patrons all stared at Peter for a moment, and then continued about their daily routines. Peter gathered up his stuff and tried again. And again. And again. Until on the fourth try he noticed something. The pillar had a handle. When he examined the pillar farther he realized that there was a door built into the pillar.

Peter stood up, brushed off and twisted the handle, it turned with ease. Peter stepped though the door onto a busy train platform was populated by large numbers of peon wizards. Peter let out a quick grumble and continued toward the train. Peter headed straight for the section of the train labeled "VIP only". As Peter placed his first foot onto the train a large man pulled him back.

"And who do you think you are?" grumbled the large man.

"Who do you think you are, stopping Peter Hanley!" exclaimed Peter.

"What? Peter Hanley, I've never heard of you. Your names not on the list pal, looks like you're going to have to sit in a different section," replied the large man, in discomfort.

"What? Deny Peter Hanley the VIP section? I'm going to notify the press!" finalized Peter, as he shoved the large man aside and walked onto the train. Peter found an empty compartment and took a seat.

After waiting for about 10 minutes the train's whistle blew and the train began to move. Almost as soon as the station was out of sight a small, red headed boy peered into Peter's compartment. "Agh, gingers," scoffed Peter.

"Oh, uh… Do you mind if I sit with you?"asked the boy.

"Hmm… On one condition; If you buy me all the sweets I want," replied Peter, he was feeling rather charitable today.

"No problem," replied the boy as he pulled a large sack filled with galleons from his bag.

The two sat in awkward silence for what seemed to be an hour before the red headed boy spoke up. "So… What's your name?"

"Well, my name is Peter, but you are going to refer to me as 'Master'."

"Oh," The boy paused, "Well I'm Ron."

"That's not important, you will be known either as 'Ginger_'_ or 'Peasant Number One'when in my presence." finished Peter. "Where is that sweets cart?" Peter looked down the hallway and cried in the carts direction "Get over here this instant, I haven't got time to waste!"

The cart came quickly over to Peter's compartment Peter removed all of the sweets from the cart in two quick sweeps and handed the lady Ron's sack of coins, them motioned for her to leave the compartment.

Ron stared at Peter as he gobbled up a moon pie with one hand and sorted out _Jelly Belly's Almost Every Flavor Beans _with the other. Ron reached for a package of Red Vines, but as soon as his arm moved Peter swatted it away.

"Can't I have some?" asked Ron "You've got plenty there"

"No, you can't, this is mine," replied Peter, his mouth still full of Moon Pie. He continued to sort his beans until he was done sorting all ten boxes, "here you go" said Peter handing Ron the Beans from one pile, "You owe me."

"Thanks" said Ron and a grin spread across his face. He began to cram the beans into his mouth. After only about two chews Ron turned his face out into the isle and spit out a handful of beans into the hallway. "Those were disgusting!"

"Oh, I thought taste was reserved to those of us who are… Better. Oh, well what can you expect, I only gave you the flavors; Booger, Ear Wax, Defeat, War, Unexpected Baby, and Marriage."

Ron stared into Peter's eyes for a moment, hoping it was all a joke, once he realized it wasn't, he began looking for remorse. And found none.

After a long search for Peter's soul, Ron was discouraged by his lack of findings; he began to stare out the window, waiting for the long train ride to end. The closest the two came to interaction was when Peter would occasionally drop a crumb on Ron, drawing his attention toward Peter for a moment until he looked back into the window, was this real or was it a nightmare?.

Finally, as if it was a voice from Heaven, the loudspeaker came on. "Hello, Ravenban students! We will be arriving in approximately ten minutes, please prepare yourselves in any way necessary."


	2. Chapter 2

Within a matter of seconds the train's hallway was flooded with hundreds of Ravenban students, running back and forth to different compartments to get their robes on.

"Well then, I think it's time for you to leave," said Peter to Ron, he then began to tap his foot.

Confusion spread across Ron's face, but he gathered up his stuff and left the compartment without saying anything, he didn't want to cause any trouble. With the compartment empty Peter quickly changed into his Ravenban robes. As soon as he was dressed, he peered his head into the hallway and yelled "Ginger, get back here." Ron hurried down the hallway back to Peter's compartment. Luckily for him he had somehow managed to change already.

When the train arrived at the Ravenban platform Ron gathered up his things and headed out the compartment door. Peter tripped him. Peter stared at Ron for a moment and then began to scold him "Ahem, where do you think you're going? You haven't got my stuff yet."

"What?" said Ron.

"Why aren't you carrying my stuff?" said Peter in a frustrated tone.

"Oh, huh…. Sorry." said Ron, as he struggled to make room under his arms for Peter's stuff. Peter shoved Ron aside and entered the hallway. Frustrated to see that the hallway was crowded, and that he would have to wait Peter began pushing other students out of his way so he could reach the exit. He was one of the first to exit the train (Ron was the last).

The large man who Peter had pushed aside was standing on the far left side of the platform yelling "First years over here! Come on over here first years!" Reluctant to see his first enemy at Ravenban for a second time, Peter headed towards him but kept his distance. All of the other students (non-first years) were running to get on a series of school buses driven by some crazy orange haired ladies, with lightning bolt earrings. The buses were labeled "The Magic School Bus" it was obvious why the name was chosen, because right after all of the students were on board it took off into the air.

About 30 minutes later the platform was empty of everybody but the zeppelin driver, the large man, and the crowd of first years. Peter found it odd how large the group of first years was compared to the other grades. All of the other grades had about 30-40 kids, allowing Ravenban to only run one bus per grade, while the group of first years seemed to have about 70 or 80 students.

Then the large man spoke up "Ok first years, it's time to go to Ravenban." The first years were loaded onto the zeppelin and everybody took a seat on the large craft. Once everybody was sitting the craft took to the skies and began its journey to Ravenban. In only a matter of 15 minutes the school was in site. The large man stood up and then began to speak. "Ok everybody, you know how you were told that Ravenban was 'open-enrollment'? Well that was a lie. We just can't afford to run an admissions office. So we screen our students with this test. Survive the zeppelin crash. Wish you luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor." As soon as the man was done speaking a loud explosion was heard above and the temperature in the cabin increased several degrees.

The large man and the driver had managed to escape the cabin in the chaos that followed the announcement and explosion. "Ginger, get over here!" screamed Peter. It was easy for Peter to spot Ron due to his striking red hair. When Peter reached Ron he gripped him by the collar and began to pull him towards the door.

"What are you doing?" screamed Ron, terrified.

"Well, I'll need something to soften my landing," said Peter as he pushed him out the door. He followed him out the bottom of the zeppelin. But instead of the long fall that Peter had expected, he hit a trampoline, painted carefully to look like scenery was below. He had missed Ron by only a few centimeters. Only seconds later something fell right next Ron.

"Ah! Night troll!" screamed Peter, Ron began to inch away from the monster.

The monster raised its head, revealing its terrifying face to Peter and Ron "I'm not a night troll," replied the thing "I'm a little girl," Peter and Ron then realized the she wasn't lying, it was a little girl. She may have been extremely scary, but she was definitely a little girl.

The group stood up on the giant trampoline. "Hi, what's your name?" asked Ron.

"Hermione," she replied.

"Oh, ok. I'm Ron"

"How many times will I have to explain this to you? That's not important. She is 'Troll' or 'Peasant #2'. Oh, by the way, I'm Peter Hanley, you have probably heard of me before," he said as ripping a page from his notebook and handing her his signature, "but you will be calling me 'Master'."

Hermione stared at both of them for a moment, said, "Well, we don't want to be late for school" and then hopped off towards the giant castle. Peter and Ron followed closely behind. As they hopped along they saw more and more students dropping from the blimp, but not nearly as many that had originally boarded. He guessed that this is why the other grades were smaller. It wasn't long before they had reached the school. Peter looked up at the blimp, which was not just a giant fireball in the distance. After he realized that if students hadn't been able to reach the trampoline in time they would be dead he quickly counted the number of people headed toward the school. 36. Less than half of them had made it. Even Peter thought it was a cruel act. The sadness was quickly wiped from his brain as the smell of the feast engulfed him.

All of the sudden a gerbil appeared climbing down the steps. When it reached the bottom it transformed into a rather old lady. "Hello Ravenban students, How was your flight?" she paused for a moment but there was not response "Good. Ok then let's go to the feast, shall we." The strange lady led them through twisting corridors into a large room, with 5 large tables (one notably smaller and empty).

An old man stood at the end of the room. "Welcome to Ravenban."


End file.
